Okay with only days to go… somewhere in the neighborhood of 3… until due date, It's Kevin checking & chiming in with some revelations. I’ve finally learned a few things about being pregnant. By that, I mean I’ve learned a little on what to say to... & do for... the pregnant beautiful wife.
As an aside -- to all 6 of you subscribers to this blog, you’ll be thrilled to know that Kel & I are embarking on a Blog-signing tour in September – where we will personally come to your home re-read these postings aloud to you and in-character for your enjoyment followed by a Question & Answer session and then Kel & I will personally autograph your computer monitor while Li’L Skelly will dirty a diaper in the room of your choice.
I digress...
Here are (in no particular order) The Top Things TO-DO as a Man for/with a pregnant Wife
- Rub the Feet. Not yours... Hers. This has unlimited brownie point earning potential. When done correctly and from your own initiative, this is a quick & early-pregnancy way to bank, bank, bank. Now, what i mean by that is... think about cashing it in for poker night at your buddy's house or maybe an afternoon for a round of golf. Don't delude yourself in any way that you've somehow paved a pathway towards that insane home theatre system of whose retail price would rival most developing countries' defense budgets.
- Compliment Her Glow. She will be luminous. There's just something about the woman who carries my child. From the moment we found out we were 'prego' ... Kel has carried this iridescent glow. Guys, recognize this in your wife and comment on it... often.
- Bring Her Ice Water. A pregnant woman cannot have enough ice water. Yah yeah yeah... it'll make her pee ...even more than she would anyway, but ice water does a lot. It keeps 'things' moving for her when she gets ...well let's just say it rhymes with 'complicated'. Prenatal vitamins tend to have high concentrates of iron & other healthy doses - which sometimes interrupt nature. Note, at this point prenatal vitamins should be a morning staple alongside her cooked-to-order omelette that you whip up each morning for her. Lots of water will also serve to keep an otherwise overheated mommy cooled off. Yes, even in 30-below frigidity, pregnant women have been known to realize body heat temperatures comparable only to active nuclear silos... followed closely, if not immediately, by a complete shift to popsicle-like extremities.
- Sacrifice Your Comfort. Bedtime mattress real estate will undoubtedly run at a premium the further along she gets. With the advent of the 'body pillow' combined with the product of some dastardly villain of home decor proportions who dreamt up 'throw pillows' - you, the husband will find yourself sharing your bed with - not only your blushing & well-hydrated wife - but also the finely upholstered equivalent to the Michelin Man will join you. These extra cushions serve the all-too-important function of helping Mommy-to-be maintain comfortable position. These unsuspecting buffering bolsters will be shoved and stuffed into shapes, sizes & positions probably never intended by the manufacturers of said plushness - all for the sake of keeping mom & tummy somewhat supported in slumber.
And now, here are some things NOT-TO-DO as a Man with a pregnant Wife. Strong recommendations.
- Do not play XBOX while she does [your] laundry. This is a good general rule even if your wife isn't with child.
- Do not expect her to get the car door for herself. This goes without saying, perhaps. C'mon be a gentleman.
- Do not stay up late on Friday night typing a blog-posting... ( Ummm... wait. )
- Do not overlook Snuggle Time - She's got some hormones coursing through her body. She will need a lot more hemoglobin than usual. (this is the biological chemical released - similar to endorphins - when physical contact with a warm-bodied hubby is accomplished.)
The following 2 things fall under DO NOT DO UNDER ANY & ALL CONTROLLABLE CIRCUMSTANCES WITHIN THE PHYSICAL WORLD
- Use phrases like "Geez Honey!" or "Wow!" that might follow an involuntary reaction of surprise if you happen to stumble upon her consuming something she might not otherwise (whether it be the category of food or the quantity of the same, keep your mouth shut. As Confucius says: A closed mouth gathers no feet)
- Believe for one second that 'Pregnancy Brain' means she'll forget your anniversary. She might misplace keys or be unable to locate the eye glasses that are on her face... but do not allow your feeble mind to think you're getting off any hook for not having your wedding date emblazoned on your brain.
So, hopefully you all have found this information helpful and feel free to post your comments and I'll be happy to host follow-up discussions. Love you all... even if you're a stranger... or my dentist. Thanks for reading.
